* This blog was originally published on musicianwages.com for the 4th of July in 2012.

This is the season of chilled beer and barbecued hot dogs, where grown men lounge in kiddie pools while small children launch bottle rockets at each other. Freedom and apple pie scent the air, while the Stars and Stripes fly proudly over many a green lawn. Hearts burst with pride over all things American, and people flock down to the local recruiter’s office hoping to meet Uncle Sam himself. In this spirit of patriotism, brotherhood, buffalo wings and “The Wal-Mart” I bring to you:

“Josh’s Super Deluxe All-American Top Ten List of People Who Should Definitely NOT Join the Army Band“

When I volunteered to write for musicianwages.com I had one goal. To help interested folks make an informed decision before enlisting. Part of that goal involves steering away people who would not fit, and would make themselves (and everyone around them) miserable, by joining. This list is dedicated to you.

10. Drug Addicts. Addict is a strong word, maybe I should have said “folks who enjoy inhaling from time to time, and don’t plan on quitting”. You may think this is obvious, but I was recently reading comments on a blog about cruise ship musicians (cruise ships like the military require drug tests) and was amazed at people’s questions. ie; “My friends and I all like to smoke marijuana, what happens if we fail the drug test?” or “I haven’t smoked pot in 6 days, do you think I’ll pass the test?”

Without divulging too much personal history, I’ll just say I understand the allure of certain illegal recreational activities. But if you want this gig (or any other that does drug testing) you need to ask yourself one question; What’s more important, getting high or getting the gig? If you’d rather go get stoned, the Army Band is not going to be a good fit.

9. Folks who fear exercise. You will exercise… daily. If your idea of an “epic workout” involves struggling for breath after eating an entire pizza from the fetal position, you will not like this job. Now I’m not saying you need to be a fitness monster who climbs mountains and runs marathons. But you do need to be prepared for a moderate amount of fitness. And there is plenty of exercise in Basic Training. So if you are allergic to breaking a sweat, don’t join.

8. People who hate authority. This is the Army. No matter how high on the food chain you go, there will always be someone higher up, telling you what to do. All the way up to the President, and he gets bossed around by the tax payers. In fact, if you can’t handle being told what to do you may have a difficult time with most non-Army jobs as well. Maybe… you should get a dog, grab your guitar and go play under the bridge.

7. People who want to be in the Army just to tell others what to do. The polar opposite of number 8. The truth is (as much as I hate to admit it) you’ll probably be okay, but I find people like you utterly exhausting. Besides, I think one or two of you may have already snuck in… groan.

6. Elitist musical snobs. If you’re too good to play country, or only want to play 4 hand marimba solos, or feel that anything other than 2oth century woodwind literature is beneath you. This is not your dream gig. Being passionate about something is great. You will probably find some like-minded individuals. Or maybe you’ll introduce some friends to a style they were unfamiliar with. But the truth is you will play many different things. You may not like all of them. Throughout US and Iraq I heard “Play some Skynyrd!” at practically every gig. Here in Europe they go crazy for “In the Mood”. So we play them all. And you will play your fair share of marches. If this sounds like a nightmare, don’t join.

5. People with a sense of entitlement. Maybe you did mow Alanis Morissette’s grass when you were younger, or your dad’s neighbor’s dog did write a song that’s in “The Real Book”. It doesn’t matter here, we all start on equal footing. And the biggest culprits, I’m sorry to say, are my fellow college grads. I’ve known many great musicians over the course of my life. Many were formally trained with degrees, and many were not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big advocate for furthering your education. But if your playing and knowledge can’t speak for itself, nobody will care if you have 3 Ph.D’s. And if you start waving your degrees in people’s faces to explain why you deserve more money, better treatment, and less BS than everybody else, you’ll just get under everyone’s skin. And please, whatever you do, don’t try to explain to me why you shouldn’t have to deploy. You will instantly lose my attention and my respect. We’re a big team in this field, and everybody needs to do their share.

4. People who can’t leave home. I grew up in a suburb of L.A. Many of the folks I went to school with are still there, trapped in some kind of invisible bubble. And there’s nothing wrong with that (LA is a serious city). But being in the Army is not bubble living. We move. If the end of your rainbow is the end of your street, you will not like this job. Every couple years (depending on how long you stay in) you will pack up and go somewhere new. Sometimes it will be better than where you’re coming from… and sometimes it won’t. But one thing is for certain, you’re going. So if you have an elderly relative to look after, or you just bought a new house and are looking to put down roots, maybe this isn’t the right job for you.

3. Lazy people who need to make a living and are content being mediocre musicians. When I joined about 15 years ago there were a good number of seasoned band Soldiers with this mindset. They would just drink coffee, not practice and count the days until they could start drawing their retirement checks. Thankfully over the last decade-and-a-half most of these folks have been weeded out. The caliber of musician has risen, and a lot of great music is being made throughout the field. If you’re lazy and find the Army appealing because you won’t get fired, that’s fine, the Army could always use more truck drivers. Just don’t join the band.

Which leads us into number 2.

2. People who really want to be Infantrymen/Truck drivers/Tankers/etc. I have nothing against any of the aforementioned jobs. If that’s what you’re into, go for it (although I imagine most readers of this site do not fit into this category). But please don’t join the band if you really want to be a combat medic. I don’t want to hear about how we should be spending more time in the field, or why we really need to do combatives. I want to play music with my friends. That’s why I joined. If you’d rather be jumping in the mud than learning a new chord progression, the mud is waiting. Splash away.

And Josh’s number 1 type of folks who absolutely should not join the Army Band are:

1. Societal Misfits or as I like to call them… A**holes. This is a small field. Nobody wants to work with a jerk. There’s a good chance if you sign up we’ll serve together. And if not with me, you’ll certainly end up with someone I know. We’re more than just coworkers, we’re friends. It’s like a big family. We eat, sleep, work, party and relax together (for a solid year if you deploy, minus the partying). We all need to get along.

So there you go. If you find yourself identifying with seven out of ten of these categories, maybe you should look elsewhere for employment. I love my job. And I feel extremely fortunate to have found a way to make a living doing what I love. But the Army Band is not for everyone, and this blog is a testament to that.

Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a can of spray cheese and a 6 pack of Budweiser with my name on it. “U-S-A, U-S-A”